| screws fall out |
[Aug. 5th, 2008|04:43 am] |
| [ | Tags | | | shit | ] |
| [ | currently residing |
| | my living room | ] |
| [ | feeling |
| |  blah | ] |
| [ | tunes |
| | just a friend - biz markie | ] |
"So this pen is starting to become a pipe bomb,
and these songs have turned to anthems again."
Sorry I haven't updated in a while. I've been kinda busy/haven't really cared. Plus, there's been all sorts of drama that's really hard to explain. My only comment seems to be, How can summer bring just as much drama as the school year? I guess it all just never ends, especially not during the high school year's of a girl like me's life.
I've taken refudge in my music. It's not that different from normal, really, because I used to do it all the time, and with the upcoming school year, I see myself doing it a lot.
Although, I really do believe a job will help. It will keep my mind off all the bad at school, even if my job is for only 3 hours a day during the school week, until I turn 16, of course.
So that means November is a big month for me.
As to Nick, since I haven't really brought anything up about him in a while, all I really have to say is that I don't feel as close to him, at the moment. It's a lot easier to not talk to him than it used to be, and that feeling was definitely fueled by last night. In summary, it went down as such:
He and I began to talk, I got mad at him, he hung up on me. I called back, he saw I was vunerable and angry, he took advantage, said something so mean that I honestly don't think anyone will ever be able to top, I cried harder than I have in years, he kept being mean for a while, then that 'calm after the storm' kind talk hit and we ended our night on a good note.
I guess. I'm not really positive on that.
All that I know is that what he said scarred me. I don't really want to trust him after it. It was like a verbal slap to the face, when I didn't even deserve one. I would understand if I had it coming, but I really didn't do anything wrong. And then, all of a sudden, BAM. Right in the kisser.
I'd say I have a lower self esteem than most, but I woke up in the morning just wanting to crawl into my little self-righteous bubble and hide in it for the rest of my life, never having to deal with such pain ever again.
It really hurt me.
Which, in accordance, comes to the topic of bringing him here, which I'm still not 100% positive about. I'd say it's about a 70/30 chance of me actually doing it now. The reason I say so is the conversation last night was so monumental to me (in a bad way) that if I brought him here, it sort of feels like if I brought Steven here after him cheating on me.
I know it's a harsh comparison, but still. It feels that way.
I don't know, this little part of me really wants to hold him. I guess that's my heart? Then that other part of me wants to kick him to the ground and curb-stomp him (or something along those lines.) I guess that's my brain.
But shit. Who am I kidding? I listen to my heart, always, at the end of the day.
That's what I hate so much about myself. Ugh.
Anyway, there's this guy Chris, whom I adore. He's precious and I'd love to have him and I in a asual relationship sort of thing. Problem is, he's been avoiding relationships for the past 3 years. So he told me it's kind of a no-go. So, I figured it was the easy brush off.
Whatever.
I'm used to it. Hahaha.
Anyway, apparently Nick's on Stickam, so I'm debating going and getting on webcam, so that's it for tonight.
Peace. |
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