| all over you |
[Jul. 9th, 2008|05:00 am] |
I need to write this stuff down, before it gets away from me and I go back to just not caring and posting out a facade. Look, I didn't want to love again after Collin, at least not for a long while, but at some goddamn point, I have to look at the real situation: I love Nicholas Teo Zatta. I love him way more than I should, and the fact of the matter is that whenever he and I are on the phone, and he says things like 'Come here and lay with me, I'm lonely,' or 'I love you. Come be with me?' it just makes me... euphoric. Collin didn't want me to speak to Nick while we were together because he saw straight through my lies. He knew how much I love Nick, and that I love Nick just as much as I ever loved Collin. I hate it, though. It's like when you see something in a store window on the street, and you really want it, but you can't have it because you were just fired from your job and you're broke.
If I had all the money in the world, I still wouldn't be happy because I don't have him.
I could have him, though, because it's all a matter of where we live.
If only Oregon was a sister state of Virginia.
God works in mysterious ways, and my heart is not a friend of mine. It doesn't give a shit what my brain says and it just goes out and gets exactly what it wants. The reason I don't want anyone hitting on me or asking me out, Nick, is because I'm yours. Completely. Not because I don't care, because I care too much about you.
I caught myself two days ago, on my way to my dad's, staring out the car window and not paying any attention to the conversation my brother and mom were having because I was too busy with the daydream of being in your arms. I was sitting in your lap, and you had your arms around me, and you were tucking my hair behind my ear and just gently kissing my cheek repeatedly. And we were so happy. Like, we were a picture perfect couple, just us... It was like nothing else existed. I know you need me as much as I need you, but you're afraid of being alone way too much. Look, baby. You give me this feeling of absolute and complete happiness... more than I've felt in a long time. It's overwhelming, really, and I'm going to try everyday to get you to feel the same way.
I feel like in August, your feelings about being alone will change. Besides, once I get my job and a car, I'll make the commitment and drive out there whenever I can. I'll save a whole bunch of money from my paychecks and keep it in a little fund called the 'Visit Nick Fund.' (:
Seriously, baby. No woman could ever love you the same that I can, and it just hurts that I can't show you and you don't feel like what I say is strong, since I'm bipolar and freak out a lot. The ABSOLUTE truth is that I need you more than I need my own health. You even know that talking to you at night is more important than sleep. <3 I've been living my life for a while with a nice balance of you and my schooling, and I plan to keep it that way because you mean way too much to me to let this go. Ever. You are the light of my life. You're what I want. You're it, baby. Ask me to be yours, and I'll be yours forever.
Rock, paper, scissors promise.
I love you, tiger. <333
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jealous